Month: March 2018

Excerpt from my book Damaged Goods: Damaged But Valuable

It is interesting that others are able to see strength in you that you don’t see in yourself. I believe the reason is because when going through a trial, the focus is not on remaining strong so to speak as much as it is on making it through the trial. Another thing often focused on while in the midst of a trial is what transpires in the body as survival mode kicks in and the system immediately goes into action. The resolve is more on the fight to get through the trial or the defense mechanisms needed in case the trial is reoccurring. I have learned that there are a lot of things that can come about when a trial presents itself to us. If one is not careful one can become overly stressed, depressed or in a worst case scenario suicidal. It is of the utmost importance to walk through the trials with God as all else is sinking sand.

Take for the instance the molestation and rape I dealt with as a child. What going through those particular attacks did was make me extremely angry and bitter. I was angry at self because I didn’t feel as though I was strong enough to fight through it. I was angry at my parents because all of it was going down right under their noses and they didn’t do a thing to prevent it. I was angry at the perpetrators of the acts. I was angry at God for allowing it to happen to me. I was angry at my teachers for not noticing it when I was at school. I was angry at my friends for not noticing it when I was shrieking away from them on the playground. I was mad at the pastor and Sunday school teachers at church because they said and did nothing. In a nutshell, I was angry at life and the world. I was a girl interrupted and no one seemed to know or care about what I was going through. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I never told anyone about the abuse. Of course I never told anyone because somewhere in my mind I had begun to meditate on the fact that I was at fault and as I stated before, whatever we allow our hearts to meditate on the most can and will become our portion.

Deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t at fault but I took responsibility anyhow. I was raised to believe that someone can only do to you what you allow. If that was indeed the case, how does a young child know how to tell and what to tell if what you’re experiencing is not something you were groomed for in advance? I didn’t have the sex talk with my parents between the ages of five and 8 when the inappropriate touching began. I didn’t have the sex talk until many years later. By the time the sex talk rolled around I had been molested and raped. There wasn’t really anything to talk about because I had about experienced it all. The preserving myself for marriage and other aspects of sex were lost on me as I had already been violated. The essence of who I was had already been stolen from me. I was no longer pure. I was tainted. I was damaged goods. As a result, I no longer thought I was worth anything, all that I held dear without even knowing what to hold dear had been forcefully taken from me.

What does someone do with something that is damaged? The damaged item either goes through a repairing process or it is tossed away as useless. What I did by banishing myself to the land of invisibility was toss myself away as though I was beyond repair. I didn’t return myself to the Creator, the Manufacturer, and Christ Jesus. I cast myself away, deemed myself as trash in my own sight and the sight of the world. No need to try to fix what was beyond repair. I honestly didn’t believe even God could fix what was wrong with me. There wasn’t a glue-gun or master puzzler that could put back together the pieces of my life so why even try?
In the past I have dropped a candy bar on the ground and threw the whole thing away without even seeing a speck of dirt on it. If I could do that to a perfectly good candy bar, the dirt on my soul and heart was enough to cast myself in the trash without another thought. Growing up my brothers, other kids in the neighborhood would do the “kiss it up to God” thing, wipe off the item and then eat it. There was also the 30 second rule of something falling on the ground. If you picked it up before 30 seconds passed you could still eat it. There was no kissing myself up to God, nor was there a 30 second rule I could apply to the dirtiness of my life. My defects were beyond any childish idioms. I was a lost cause, at least in my eyes. Mine were the only eyes that counted right? What other eyes was I supposed to consider? I was a castaway, a dead girl walking. A has been. I considered myself a worthless, useless piece of garbage.

All set to die in my sorrow, I remembered something I heard in my many years of being drug from one church to another throughout the bay area by my grandmother. I remember the old church mothers walking the church floor praying, binding the devil and asking the Lord to “cleanse them and wash them with hyssop to make them whiter than snow.” I had no idea what hyssop was or how it was going to make a bunch of older black women whiter than snow, but if it could do that for them, clearly it could cleanse me from the dirtiness that I was feeling deep down on the inside. I didn’t know how to ask God to do it for me. One Friday night I went to church with my grandmother. It was in the midst of that church shut-in I closed my eyes and said me too God, me too. Wash me with hyssop too. Later that prayer would become a great part of my prayers to God. (See Psalm 51) There are still moments I am not sure it has took just yet, but I still keep it before the Lord in prayer. If you are experiencing or have experienced something similar, I pray that you will allow the Lord to wash you with hyssop and cleanse you from all of the filthiness of your past both sins committed against you and those you have brought upon yourself. I pray that the Lord cleanses you heart and mind of whatever stains of anger, bitterness, hopelessness and helplessness that may remain. I pray that any residue of past thoughts of worthlessness and low self-esteem are washed away. I pray that you are made whole in Jesus name.

Reflections

TELL IT!

What I have learned from my past experiences is that I should have shared what I was experiencing with someone, be it a teacher, parent, grandparent or friend. Since I love writing I could have written it in a note, a poem or a short story. Whatever your gift is be it writing, drawing or some other medium tell it in the manner that is most comfortable for you. Just tell it! Don’t place that unwarranted burden on yourself. The first person you tell my not believe you, so you tell someone else and then someone else until you find someone that believes you and is willing to help you. Don’t concern yourself with what might come of your telling the secret as that is not your concern. Your goal is to get the behavior stopped. You didn’t have control over the incident happening to you, but you do have control over how long the incident takes place. When in doubt, SAVE YOURSELF. I don’t care who the perpetrator is, whether it be a family member, friend of the family or a stranger, go into save yourself mode and tell just as soon as you have put space between you and you assailant.
Don’t repeat what I chose to do which is carry the burden for over thirty years. I shared bits and pieces with a choice few in the past few years, but those that shared a space with me never knew. Not once did I share my pain with my family. I chose to be the lone ranger in my pain. Please don’t keep it to yourself. Release it and free yourself from the bondage that goes hand and hand with carrying it.

You will find that everything in your life will begin to change as you began to free yourself from the shackles of your past. You will be able to love deeper and more genuine, respect others to a greater degree, empathize with someone that is going through something similar and live a more fulfilling life. It is never too late to begin the healing process. Start today. You will be so glad you did. I wish you all of God’s best, praying earnestly for you as you make the transition from bondage to free. You can do it! Be free in Jesus name. Don’t allow what others will think to keep you trapped in the pain and anguish of what carrying that misery has done to your life. Tell your truth and release yourself. Healing is available to all that desire it. Will you come? Will you step out of the shadows of your past and live your best life? I sincerely hope so.

EXHAUSTED

Life has a way of draining the life out of us if we are not careful. The past several months have been anything but pleasant. Everything that could go wrong has, at least twice. Bills are piling up. Health has taken a nasty turn. Spiritual health is hanging in the balance. Emotions are all over the place. Mental state is touch and go most days. Life sucks monkey balls right now. The sad reality is I have caused a lot of what I’m experiencing at the moment. It all boils down to choices. And believe me when I say I’ve made some catastrophic decisions as of late. Charge it to the fact that I have a kind and caring heart. Watching others suffer is not something I can witness and do nothing to help. Unfortunately, it has been at the detriment of my own well-being. But not anymore. Self-care is now my top priority.

In times past, I used to allow others to guilt trip me into helping when I had no desire to. Because of it I’ve overextended myself more times than I care to admit. There is a song by Bill Coday “find a fool(bump his head)” I have been that fool for a long season. A magnate for people trying to get over at someone else’s expense. Call it selfish ambition. Trying to save the world nearly destroyed me. Yes, I had struggles that I had to figure out all by my lonesome. I guess you can say that’s why I made it my business to help others through their rough seasons. I dare not allow someone else to struggle alone like I did. That being said, have I inserted myself into the place of God? Have I taken on God’s responsibility? Its hard trying to figure out when to help and or mind my business. Only God knows. Maybe He’ll enlighten me one day.

Things Fall Apart

My Thoughts 8/23/17:

Sometimes things fall apart. Those closest to us abandon us and cause us pain. At times it feels like the thread we’re holding on to is going to break. Sometimes it does. Snap. Break. Broken. Other times we lose our grip. Slip. Fall. Falling. Battle scars seemingly cover our very being. Bruised. Bruising. Scarred. Soul aches. Heart heavy. Mind cloudy. Labored breathing. Winded. Devastated. Dire. The fight appears to be never-ending. Wounded. Whipped. Hurt. Weariness calls out from the distance. Confusion and brokenness slow dance around us. Words sown into our life take root and sprout up. Some damage. Others repair. Sadness cries in the dark. Sit in it. Don’t wallow. Let it soak in. Mourn the loss. Scream. Cry. Ache. Process the situation. Suffering is inevitable. Survival is possible. Correct perception is crucial. Breathe. God is in control. Refuse to die. Choose to live. This too shall pass.

T. Ra’Shane

Journey Back to Me

Have you ever wanted desperately to fit in but knew you stuck out like a sore thumb? If so, you and I have a lot in common. For many years I would dumb down to fit in. The sad reality is no amount of shrinking down would help my cause. I would liken those events to a fish out of water flapping around, suffocating and dying slowly. Have you ever felt like that? It’s terrible isn’t it? Why do we do that to ourselves? We were not created to reside in a cookie cutter world. No one in the world has the same fingerprints so why do we feel we have to throw who we are away to feel as though we belong? I’ll let you all chew on that for a bit.

My authentic self is loving, caring, honest and colorful to name a few things. Dancing to the beat of my on drum had always been something I was known to do. A childhood friend nicknamed me “Stripes” when I was in high school because I was known to wear different patterns and colors simultaneously. On any given day you might find me wearing polka dots shoes with a striped blouse and pants with an abstract print. Yes, I wore all those things together because that’s what I liked. It looked and felt good to me. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought.

As my environment, circle of friend changed, so did my desire to be less like me and more like those I surrounded myself with. The decision to ditch my authentic self, the person I was at the very core of my being to become accepted by the masses was one of the worst decisions of my life. The standard was ever-changing. I could never seem to measure up to the status quo. Seemingly, I was always a day late and a dollar short. Nothing ever happened the way I envisioned it in my head. Most days found me in the crowd, but not with the crowd. Loneliness was ever-present as I drowned in a sea of people.

For many years I tried to adapt to the norm, honestly gave it the old college try more times than I care to admit. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. Dimming my light in an effort to allow other’s light to shine was taking its toll on me. Continuing down that destructive path was catapulting me into a dark place. It affected the way I communicated with others and also how I felt about self. Shrinking and disappearing began happening more and more each day. My conversations changed. I took an intellectual hiatus. What I wore changed. As my clothes changed so did the freedom I once had. Where I was once free to wear what spoke to my heart, now I was forced to wear what was “in style” according to society. It was expensive and the pits. It costs a lot of money to keep up with the “in thing” of the moment. Misery moved in swiftly. Unhappiness covered me like a new skin. I had to escape. Breaking free was the only option. Returning to my authentic self before I lost myself completely was imperative. The journey back to me seemed a hard road, but it was absolutely, positively necessary. I had to find and reclaim the real me. My authentic self was somewhere out there hanging in the balance. I had to find her. I just had to.

I can’t lie to you, say that the journey back to me was a swift and smooth transition because it was anything but. There were many sad and sorrowful days, moments where I felt I would never find my true authentic self. Though I wanted to give up many times, failure was not an option. I had to find my way back. My very life depended on rediscovering and reclaiming my authentic self. One of the first things I did was silence the self-critical talk floating around in my head. You see, it all begins as thoughts which eventually becomes actions. If I could stop doubting and talking down to self, then I could begin the journey of reclaiming my true self, the person I was created to be. She was still in there somewhere amidst the chaos and confusion of what society and my environment lead me to believe about who I was supposed to be. Ever so often a small piece of me would appear in something I said, wrote or wore. I wasn’t completely gone. Each day I filtered something genuine to me, representative to who I was back into my day-to-day life. My wardrobe changed back to what others deemed colorful and busy. Heck, I liked colorful and busy. My life is not drab and boring. My truest self lives life out loud. She is not dressed down and hidden in the shadows. She’s more boom bam in your face. Large and in charge. Lol! My hair style and color changed often. No one ever knew how it would look from week to week. I liked that about me. My wig wall is outrageous. Lol! There are various cuts, styles and colored wigs that adorn it. I may be a redhead one week and have purple hair the next. Yep, I’m different and I love it!

I said all of the above to say this, be okay with who you are. You were never created to fit in a mold. And that’s okay. Be okay with your flaws and failures. If you are not what others are checking for that’s okay too. There is someone out there who will love you for you. That person is searching for you, but you have to return to your authentic self so you may be found. That person is not looking for the confused, carbon copy you. He or she is looking for the authentic you. Dare to be you. You are beautiful, brilliant and blessed just as you are. No one can beat you being you so be you. Your life matters. Love y’all for free sugas.