Have you ever wanted desperately to fit in but knew you stuck out like a sore thumb? If so, you and I have a lot in common. For many years I would dumb down to fit in. The sad reality is no amount of shrinking down would help my cause. I would liken those events to a fish out of water flapping around, suffocating and dying slowly. Have you ever felt like that? It’s terrible isn’t it? Why do we do that to ourselves? We were not created to reside in a cookie cutter world. No one in the world has the same fingerprints so why do we feel we have to throw who we are away to feel as though we belong? I’ll let you all chew on that for a bit.
My authentic self is loving, caring, honest and colorful to name a few things. Dancing to the beat of my on drum had always been something I was known to do. A childhood friend nicknamed me “Stripes” when I was in high school because I was known to wear different patterns and colors simultaneously. On any given day you might find me wearing polka dots shoes with a striped blouse and pants with an abstract print. Yes, I wore all those things together because that’s what I liked. It looked and felt good to me. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought.
As my environment, circle of friend changed, so did my desire to be less like me and more like those I surrounded myself with. The decision to ditch my authentic self, the person I was at the very core of my being to become accepted by the masses was one of the worst decisions of my life. The standard was ever-changing. I could never seem to measure up to the status quo. Seemingly, I was always a day late and a dollar short. Nothing ever happened the way I envisioned it in my head. Most days found me in the crowd, but not with the crowd. Loneliness was ever-present as I drowned in a sea of people.
For many years I tried to adapt to the norm, honestly gave it the old college try more times than I care to admit. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. Dimming my light in an effort to allow other’s light to shine was taking its toll on me. Continuing down that destructive path was catapulting me into a dark place. It affected the way I communicated with others and also how I felt about self. Shrinking and disappearing began happening more and more each day. My conversations changed. I took an intellectual hiatus. What I wore changed. As my clothes changed so did the freedom I once had. Where I was once free to wear what spoke to my heart, now I was forced to wear what was “in style” according to society. It was expensive and the pits. It costs a lot of money to keep up with the “in thing” of the moment. Misery moved in swiftly. Unhappiness covered me like a new skin. I had to escape. Breaking free was the only option. Returning to my authentic self before I lost myself completely was imperative. The journey back to me seemed a hard road, but it was absolutely, positively necessary. I had to find and reclaim the real me. My authentic self was somewhere out there hanging in the balance. I had to find her. I just had to.
I can’t lie to you, say that the journey back to me was a swift and smooth transition because it was anything but. There were many sad and sorrowful days, moments where I felt I would never find my true authentic self. Though I wanted to give up many times, failure was not an option. I had to find my way back. My very life depended on rediscovering and reclaiming my authentic self. One of the first things I did was silence the self-critical talk floating around in my head. You see, it all begins as thoughts which eventually becomes actions. If I could stop doubting and talking down to self, then I could begin the journey of reclaiming my true self, the person I was created to be. She was still in there somewhere amidst the chaos and confusion of what society and my environment lead me to believe about who I was supposed to be. Ever so often a small piece of me would appear in something I said, wrote or wore. I wasn’t completely gone. Each day I filtered something genuine to me, representative to who I was back into my day-to-day life. My wardrobe changed back to what others deemed colorful and busy. Heck, I liked colorful and busy. My life is not drab and boring. My truest self lives life out loud. She is not dressed down and hidden in the shadows. She’s more boom bam in your face. Large and in charge. Lol! My hair style and color changed often. No one ever knew how it would look from week to week. I liked that about me. My wig wall is outrageous. Lol! There are various cuts, styles and colored wigs that adorn it. I may be a redhead one week and have purple hair the next. Yep, I’m different and I love it!
I said all of the above to say this, be okay with who you are. You were never created to fit in a mold. And that’s okay. Be okay with your flaws and failures. If you are not what others are checking for that’s okay too. There is someone out there who will love you for you. That person is searching for you, but you have to return to your authentic self so you may be found. That person is not looking for the confused, carbon copy you. He or she is looking for the authentic you. Dare to be you. You are beautiful, brilliant and blessed just as you are. No one can beat you being you so be you. Your life matters. Love y’all for free sugas.
Ramblings, Rants and Raves with T. RaShane 