It is interesting that others are able to see strength in you that you don’t see in yourself. I believe the reason is because when going through a trial, the focus is not on remaining strong so to speak as much as it is on making it through the trial. Another thing often focused on while in the midst of a trial is what transpires in the body as survival mode kicks in and the system immediately goes into action. The resolve is more on the fight to get through the trial or the defense mechanisms needed in case the trial is reoccurring. I have learned that there are a lot of things that can come about when a trial presents itself to us. If one is not careful one can become overly stressed, depressed or in a worst case scenario suicidal. It is of the utmost importance to walk through the trials with God as all else is sinking sand.

Take for the instance the molestation and rape I dealt with as a child. What going through those particular attacks did was make me extremely angry and bitter. I was angry at self because I didn’t feel as though I was strong enough to fight through it. I was angry at my parents because all of it was going down right under their noses and they didn’t do a thing to prevent it. I was angry at the perpetrators of the acts. I was angry at God for allowing it to happen to me. I was angry at my teachers for not noticing it when I was at school. I was angry at my friends for not noticing it when I was shrieking away from them on the playground. I was mad at the pastor and Sunday school teachers at church because they said and did nothing. In a nutshell, I was angry at life and the world. I was a girl interrupted and no one seemed to know or care about what I was going through. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I never told anyone about the abuse. Of course I never told anyone because somewhere in my mind I had begun to meditate on the fact that I was at fault and as I stated before, whatever we allow our hearts to meditate on the most can and will become our portion.

Deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t at fault but I took responsibility anyhow. I was raised to believe that someone can only do to you what you allow. If that was indeed the case, how does a young child know how to tell and what to tell if what you’re experiencing is not something you were groomed for in advance? I didn’t have the sex talk with my parents between the ages of five and 8 when the inappropriate touching began. I didn’t have the sex talk until many years later. By the time the sex talk rolled around I had been molested and raped. There wasn’t really anything to talk about because I had about experienced it all. The preserving myself for marriage and other aspects of sex were lost on me as I had already been violated. The essence of who I was had already been stolen from me. I was no longer pure. I was tainted. I was damaged goods. As a result, I no longer thought I was worth anything, all that I held dear without even knowing what to hold dear had been forcefully taken from me.

What does someone do with something that is damaged? The damaged item either goes through a repairing process or it is tossed away as useless. What I did by banishing myself to the land of invisibility was toss myself away as though I was beyond repair. I didn’t return myself to the Creator, the Manufacturer, and Christ Jesus. I cast myself away, deemed myself as trash in my own sight and the sight of the world. No need to try to fix what was beyond repair. I honestly didn’t believe even God could fix what was wrong with me. There wasn’t a glue-gun or master puzzler that could put back together the pieces of my life so why even try?
In the past I have dropped a candy bar on the ground and threw the whole thing away without even seeing a speck of dirt on it. If I could do that to a perfectly good candy bar, the dirt on my soul and heart was enough to cast myself in the trash without another thought. Growing up my brothers, other kids in the neighborhood would do the “kiss it up to God” thing, wipe off the item and then eat it. There was also the 30 second rule of something falling on the ground. If you picked it up before 30 seconds passed you could still eat it. There was no kissing myself up to God, nor was there a 30 second rule I could apply to the dirtiness of my life. My defects were beyond any childish idioms. I was a lost cause, at least in my eyes. Mine were the only eyes that counted right? What other eyes was I supposed to consider? I was a castaway, a dead girl walking. A has been. I considered myself a worthless, useless piece of garbage.

All set to die in my sorrow, I remembered something I heard in my many years of being drug from one church to another throughout the bay area by my grandmother. I remember the old church mothers walking the church floor praying, binding the devil and asking the Lord to “cleanse them and wash them with hyssop to make them whiter than snow.” I had no idea what hyssop was or how it was going to make a bunch of older black women whiter than snow, but if it could do that for them, clearly it could cleanse me from the dirtiness that I was feeling deep down on the inside. I didn’t know how to ask God to do it for me. One Friday night I went to church with my grandmother. It was in the midst of that church shut-in I closed my eyes and said me too God, me too. Wash me with hyssop too. Later that prayer would become a great part of my prayers to God. (See Psalm 51) There are still moments I am not sure it has took just yet, but I still keep it before the Lord in prayer. If you are experiencing or have experienced something similar, I pray that you will allow the Lord to wash you with hyssop and cleanse you from all of the filthiness of your past both sins committed against you and those you have brought upon yourself. I pray that the Lord cleanses you heart and mind of whatever stains of anger, bitterness, hopelessness and helplessness that may remain. I pray that any residue of past thoughts of worthlessness and low self-esteem are washed away. I pray that you are made whole in Jesus name.

Reflections

TELL IT!

What I have learned from my past experiences is that I should have shared what I was experiencing with someone, be it a teacher, parent, grandparent or friend. Since I love writing I could have written it in a note, a poem or a short story. Whatever your gift is be it writing, drawing or some other medium tell it in the manner that is most comfortable for you. Just tell it! Don’t place that unwarranted burden on yourself. The first person you tell my not believe you, so you tell someone else and then someone else until you find someone that believes you and is willing to help you. Don’t concern yourself with what might come of your telling the secret as that is not your concern. Your goal is to get the behavior stopped. You didn’t have control over the incident happening to you, but you do have control over how long the incident takes place. When in doubt, SAVE YOURSELF. I don’t care who the perpetrator is, whether it be a family member, friend of the family or a stranger, go into save yourself mode and tell just as soon as you have put space between you and you assailant.
Don’t repeat what I chose to do which is carry the burden for over thirty years. I shared bits and pieces with a choice few in the past few years, but those that shared a space with me never knew. Not once did I share my pain with my family. I chose to be the lone ranger in my pain. Please don’t keep it to yourself. Release it and free yourself from the bondage that goes hand and hand with carrying it.

You will find that everything in your life will begin to change as you began to free yourself from the shackles of your past. You will be able to love deeper and more genuine, respect others to a greater degree, empathize with someone that is going through something similar and live a more fulfilling life. It is never too late to begin the healing process. Start today. You will be so glad you did. I wish you all of God’s best, praying earnestly for you as you make the transition from bondage to free. You can do it! Be free in Jesus name. Don’t allow what others will think to keep you trapped in the pain and anguish of what carrying that misery has done to your life. Tell your truth and release yourself. Healing is available to all that desire it. Will you come? Will you step out of the shadows of your past and live your best life? I sincerely hope so.