Category: Uncategorized

It’s a Matter of Perspective

We can view the unpleasant events of our lives as what they are, hurtful, disparaging and disppointing or we can change our perspective. Try looking at the events as moments of God maturing and growing you instead of you being punished for some deed. God is simply moving you away from self-centeredness into a place of Christ-centeredness.

Sometimes in our trials we lose sight of our Center which is Christ. Our focus is usually set on the issue(s) at hand. We put most, if not all, of our energy into our present state. Oftentimes, it leaves us fighting battles that we cannot win. The reason we’re losing is because we’re fighting in our own strength. And we’re fighting battles that are God’s to fight. We overexert ourselves, get beat up by life, only to come to God as a last resort. God is not the last resort. He is the priority. What He thinks, feels and desires takes precedence. We are to seek God above all things. If we handle God’s business, He’ll handle ours. We must change our perspective.

I know I’m not the only one who has repeatedly done a thing expecting a different result. My perspective was all jacked up. There were instances where I was mad at God for allowing me to walk through certain seasons in my life. I accused God of not loving me and not looking out for me. Nevermind the fact I had brought most of the calamity on myself. I was still disappointed in God. I tell you of a truth my perspective was so off kilter.

If I was going to change the trajectory of my life, it was imperative that I changed my perspective. I had to train myself to look at things through different lenses. Case in point, my granddaughter who’s 2 years old, broke my glasses. Until I could have them fixed, I had to train my eyes to see differently. My sight and perspective changed. Things were blurry for a while but I was forced to see clearly through the blurryness.

It’s the same with changing one’s perspective. You have to train yourself to clearly see what you cannot see. When you do that, you’ll find there is value in every valley. Every mess has a message. No one can clean up a mess like God.

I encourage you to change the way you look at your issues. Put God above all you do or think and allow Him to do what you cannot do. You are His masterpiece. You are the workmanship of His hands. Turn your life over to Him and watch Him work.

In the Seasons of My Suffering

We live in a world where the majority wants to live an easy breezy life. Not many, if any, desire to experience discomfort of any kind. We want the world to be lollipops, gumdrops and sweet all the time, but don’t want to have the dental visits or bill for that lifestyle. In a perfect world things would flow smoothly, leaving no room for suffering of any kind, but alas that is not the world in which we live.

Suffering is inevitable. Death is inevitable. Pain is inevitable.There’s no way to get around it. We will all experience our own personal sufferings at one time or another. Some of the suffering will be self-inflicted, brought on by our own missteps. Other events of suffering will come at the hands of strangers and people we know.

I have survived many seasons of suffering in my life. I can say with all honesty that I played a major part in a lot of it. It’s said that “a hard head makes a soft butt” and that is absolutely true. I’ve had my share of spankings at the hands of the Father for my blatant disobedience on many occasions. I’ve gone left when He’s said go right more times than I care to admit.

I’ve also experienced suffering that was perpetrated against me at no fault of my own. This world is inherently evil. Thus, evil will find you, attack you and cause you pain. It may come through a family member being murdered, leaving your family devastated for years to come. Someone’s innocence may be stolen through molestation, rape or incest at the hands of strangers or through friendly or familial fire.

However it comes, or whenever it comes, it’s imperative that we not allow it to break us. We have to stand through the pain and devastation of it all. There are going to be days when you want to throw in the towel. Don’t! Cry if you must. Scream if you must. Throw an all out tantrum if you must. But, don’t give in. Live to fight another day. You will survive. You were created to survive. You are an answer to a question someone has. Live for you. Live for those connected to you. Live for your earthly assignment. You got this! We got this! Let’s take it one day at a time.

Praying for you continually,

T. Ra’Shane Simon

Cop a Squat

SIT IN YOUR PAIN

Many, if not all of us at one time or another in our lives have experienced tumultuous events. Though our events may differ, I’m sure we can agree that the pain is real for each of us. Chances are many of us may have had a hard time or is presently having a hard time recovering from the blow(s) we have endured as a result of the event.

How did the event(s) find us? Truth told, we may find ourself at fault for bringing the painful situation to our doors – or it may be the fault of someone else. In either case, it more often than not causes us damage. For some the event(s) may even be paralyzing. Devastating. If you’re anything like me, you may have had a hard time picking up the pieces of your life. Everything seems out of whack. Sometimes it may feel like your will to live is fleeting with the passing days. I can attest to the anguish of having to face another day, possibly encountering the person(s) that have caused the pain. It may seem like your life will never get back to normal. In essence, it will not. You will have to adapt a new normal. A normal free of the wounds of the past. How can you adapt a new normal you ask? By choosing to get to the core of your pain so that you can be healed.

One of the steps to healing is sitting in the pain. It is a must. Yes, I said sit in the pain. So, go ahead and cop a squat. Sit down. Get comfortable, but not too comfortable. This is just a layover, you’re just visiting – this is not your permanent destination. Do not get too comfortable. I can’t reiterate enough, please do not get too comfortable because you’re coming out of the thing. You’re coming out better, stronger and whole.

I know sitting in the pain seems like a daunting task but it is absolutely positively necessary. Once you sit down, continue to sit no matter how hard it gets, how sad or mad it makes you feel – cop a squat in that hurtful and or angry place. Once there, don’t be so quick to try and fix things – allow yourself to feel the weight of the pain. See it. Taste it. Touch it. Hear it. Smell it. Embrace it. It’s a real thing. It happened. You survived it.

Don’t try to numb the pain. Trying to numb the pain with outside agents – drugs, alcohol, sex etc is an utter waste of time. They are momentary fixes that will lead to other issues over the long run. Be sober and viligant. Stay alert. Watch for triggers and other things that may push you away from the healing process.

YOU CANT HIDE YOUR PAIN

Oftentimes we try to hide the pain by dressing it up – thinking if we look good on the outside no one will know how much of a mess we’re covering up on the inside. No matter how hard we try, we can’t hide the hurt by dressing it up – there isn’t an outfit or any amount of makeup that can cover up the brokenness. There isn’t a big enough house nor an expensive enough car to hide your hurt. Brokenness speaks volumes even when you’re dressed up and quiet. When you’re in your big house or your expensive car your brokenness yet speaks. Therefore acknowledge the pain – embrace it. Cry. Scream. Give yourself permission to feel and mourn the loss. It’s real. The experience is real. The hurt is real. Don’t try to repress it. Choose to address it. Acknowledge the loss. Process the loss. Mourn the loss.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE LOSS

Loss comes in many forms. And it can be a hard pill to swallow. For some, it may be a loss of innocence through sexual abuse. Some may have suffered a loss of a child through death be it natural causes, miscarriage or abortion. Loss may come in the form of a family member or friend’s death. For others, it may be the loss of a relationship or friendship – a divorce. In either case, know that a loss is a loss thus, it has to be acknowledged so that the path to healing can begin.

CHOOSE TO STOP CARRYING THE LOSS

At times it may not seem plausible but there is healing for the loss you’re carrying. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been carrying it. The event may have taken place in childhood, yet that fact doesn’t mean that you can’t and won’t be healed. The process may take a little longer as we often become comfortable carrying the hurts of the past because they have been a constant in our lives. For some it keeps them hosting pity parties and forcing their friends and family to attend. It keeps them at the center of attention. For those that don’t want to remain in victim mode I have good news for you. The good news is, healing and wholeness is available. The heart’s voids and holes can be filled. The wounds can be healed. But, you have to be a willing partner in the healing process. Choose to lay down the loss. Choose to stop carrying it.

BE TRANSFORMED

Transformation comes with a lot of discomfort. It’s a process. Sitting in the pain may take a while. Like I stated before, there is no quick fix. The healing timeline varies case by case. Sadly, we live in a “get it done and over with quickly” society. Sorry, thats not how transformation works. Instant gratification and or microwave results is unrealistic.
The reality is, lots of changes will occur. At times you may feel as though you’ll never recover. You may become alienated from those who were once closest to you. Family and friends may not understand what you are going through because they are not able to identify with your grief and sadness. From time to time you may have little or no energy to face the day. You may often feel lost and unsure. Your head may feel foggy at times – it’s all par for the course. Its part of the healing process. There are levels and stages of grief.

To achieve transformation there is a level of vulnerability that you must have with others. Vulnerability is an important part of the healing journey. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your support system is crucial. Let people you trust help you to navigate the rough terrain you’re facing. It’s going to be hard. It may feel extremely hard to keep going, but whatever you do, don’t abandon yourself or the process. You will get through it. The pain, unsurety and feelings of loss will eventually subside. Be courageous. Be proactive. Be healed.

Excerpt from my book Damaged Goods: Damaged But Valuable

It is interesting that others are able to see strength in you that you don’t see in yourself. I believe the reason is because when going through a trial, the focus is not on remaining strong so to speak as much as it is on making it through the trial. Another thing often focused on while in the midst of a trial is what transpires in the body as survival mode kicks in and the system immediately goes into action. The resolve is more on the fight to get through the trial or the defense mechanisms needed in case the trial is reoccurring. I have learned that there are a lot of things that can come about when a trial presents itself to us. If one is not careful one can become overly stressed, depressed or in a worst case scenario suicidal. It is of the utmost importance to walk through the trials with God as all else is sinking sand.

Take for the instance the molestation and rape I dealt with as a child. What going through those particular attacks did was make me extremely angry and bitter. I was angry at self because I didn’t feel as though I was strong enough to fight through it. I was angry at my parents because all of it was going down right under their noses and they didn’t do a thing to prevent it. I was angry at the perpetrators of the acts. I was angry at God for allowing it to happen to me. I was angry at my teachers for not noticing it when I was at school. I was angry at my friends for not noticing it when I was shrieking away from them on the playground. I was mad at the pastor and Sunday school teachers at church because they said and did nothing. In a nutshell, I was angry at life and the world. I was a girl interrupted and no one seemed to know or care about what I was going through. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I never told anyone about the abuse. Of course I never told anyone because somewhere in my mind I had begun to meditate on the fact that I was at fault and as I stated before, whatever we allow our hearts to meditate on the most can and will become our portion.

Deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t at fault but I took responsibility anyhow. I was raised to believe that someone can only do to you what you allow. If that was indeed the case, how does a young child know how to tell and what to tell if what you’re experiencing is not something you were groomed for in advance? I didn’t have the sex talk with my parents between the ages of five and 8 when the inappropriate touching began. I didn’t have the sex talk until many years later. By the time the sex talk rolled around I had been molested and raped. There wasn’t really anything to talk about because I had about experienced it all. The preserving myself for marriage and other aspects of sex were lost on me as I had already been violated. The essence of who I was had already been stolen from me. I was no longer pure. I was tainted. I was damaged goods. As a result, I no longer thought I was worth anything, all that I held dear without even knowing what to hold dear had been forcefully taken from me.

What does someone do with something that is damaged? The damaged item either goes through a repairing process or it is tossed away as useless. What I did by banishing myself to the land of invisibility was toss myself away as though I was beyond repair. I didn’t return myself to the Creator, the Manufacturer, and Christ Jesus. I cast myself away, deemed myself as trash in my own sight and the sight of the world. No need to try to fix what was beyond repair. I honestly didn’t believe even God could fix what was wrong with me. There wasn’t a glue-gun or master puzzler that could put back together the pieces of my life so why even try?
In the past I have dropped a candy bar on the ground and threw the whole thing away without even seeing a speck of dirt on it. If I could do that to a perfectly good candy bar, the dirt on my soul and heart was enough to cast myself in the trash without another thought. Growing up my brothers, other kids in the neighborhood would do the “kiss it up to God” thing, wipe off the item and then eat it. There was also the 30 second rule of something falling on the ground. If you picked it up before 30 seconds passed you could still eat it. There was no kissing myself up to God, nor was there a 30 second rule I could apply to the dirtiness of my life. My defects were beyond any childish idioms. I was a lost cause, at least in my eyes. Mine were the only eyes that counted right? What other eyes was I supposed to consider? I was a castaway, a dead girl walking. A has been. I considered myself a worthless, useless piece of garbage.

All set to die in my sorrow, I remembered something I heard in my many years of being drug from one church to another throughout the bay area by my grandmother. I remember the old church mothers walking the church floor praying, binding the devil and asking the Lord to “cleanse them and wash them with hyssop to make them whiter than snow.” I had no idea what hyssop was or how it was going to make a bunch of older black women whiter than snow, but if it could do that for them, clearly it could cleanse me from the dirtiness that I was feeling deep down on the inside. I didn’t know how to ask God to do it for me. One Friday night I went to church with my grandmother. It was in the midst of that church shut-in I closed my eyes and said me too God, me too. Wash me with hyssop too. Later that prayer would become a great part of my prayers to God. (See Psalm 51) There are still moments I am not sure it has took just yet, but I still keep it before the Lord in prayer. If you are experiencing or have experienced something similar, I pray that you will allow the Lord to wash you with hyssop and cleanse you from all of the filthiness of your past both sins committed against you and those you have brought upon yourself. I pray that the Lord cleanses you heart and mind of whatever stains of anger, bitterness, hopelessness and helplessness that may remain. I pray that any residue of past thoughts of worthlessness and low self-esteem are washed away. I pray that you are made whole in Jesus name.

Reflections

TELL IT!

What I have learned from my past experiences is that I should have shared what I was experiencing with someone, be it a teacher, parent, grandparent or friend. Since I love writing I could have written it in a note, a poem or a short story. Whatever your gift is be it writing, drawing or some other medium tell it in the manner that is most comfortable for you. Just tell it! Don’t place that unwarranted burden on yourself. The first person you tell my not believe you, so you tell someone else and then someone else until you find someone that believes you and is willing to help you. Don’t concern yourself with what might come of your telling the secret as that is not your concern. Your goal is to get the behavior stopped. You didn’t have control over the incident happening to you, but you do have control over how long the incident takes place. When in doubt, SAVE YOURSELF. I don’t care who the perpetrator is, whether it be a family member, friend of the family or a stranger, go into save yourself mode and tell just as soon as you have put space between you and you assailant.
Don’t repeat what I chose to do which is carry the burden for over thirty years. I shared bits and pieces with a choice few in the past few years, but those that shared a space with me never knew. Not once did I share my pain with my family. I chose to be the lone ranger in my pain. Please don’t keep it to yourself. Release it and free yourself from the bondage that goes hand and hand with carrying it.

You will find that everything in your life will begin to change as you began to free yourself from the shackles of your past. You will be able to love deeper and more genuine, respect others to a greater degree, empathize with someone that is going through something similar and live a more fulfilling life. It is never too late to begin the healing process. Start today. You will be so glad you did. I wish you all of God’s best, praying earnestly for you as you make the transition from bondage to free. You can do it! Be free in Jesus name. Don’t allow what others will think to keep you trapped in the pain and anguish of what carrying that misery has done to your life. Tell your truth and release yourself. Healing is available to all that desire it. Will you come? Will you step out of the shadows of your past and live your best life? I sincerely hope so.

Things Fall Apart

My Thoughts 8/23/17:

Sometimes things fall apart. Those closest to us abandon us and cause us pain. At times it feels like the thread we’re holding on to is going to break. Sometimes it does. Snap. Break. Broken. Other times we lose our grip. Slip. Fall. Falling. Battle scars seemingly cover our very being. Bruised. Bruising. Scarred. Soul aches. Heart heavy. Mind cloudy. Labored breathing. Winded. Devastated. Dire. The fight appears to be never-ending. Wounded. Whipped. Hurt. Weariness calls out from the distance. Confusion and brokenness slow dance around us. Words sown into our life take root and sprout up. Some damage. Others repair. Sadness cries in the dark. Sit in it. Don’t wallow. Let it soak in. Mourn the loss. Scream. Cry. Ache. Process the situation. Suffering is inevitable. Survival is possible. Correct perception is crucial. Breathe. God is in control. Refuse to die. Choose to live. This too shall pass.

T. Ra’Shane

Journey Back to Me

Have you ever wanted desperately to fit in but knew you stuck out like a sore thumb? If so, you and I have a lot in common. For many years I would dumb down to fit in. The sad reality is no amount of shrinking down would help my cause. I would liken those events to a fish out of water flapping around, suffocating and dying slowly. Have you ever felt like that? It’s terrible isn’t it? Why do we do that to ourselves? We were not created to reside in a cookie cutter world. No one in the world has the same fingerprints so why do we feel we have to throw who we are away to feel as though we belong? I’ll let you all chew on that for a bit.

My authentic self is loving, caring, honest and colorful to name a few things. Dancing to the beat of my on drum had always been something I was known to do. A childhood friend nicknamed me “Stripes” when I was in high school because I was known to wear different patterns and colors simultaneously. On any given day you might find me wearing polka dots shoes with a striped blouse and pants with an abstract print. Yes, I wore all those things together because that’s what I liked. It looked and felt good to me. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought.

As my environment, circle of friend changed, so did my desire to be less like me and more like those I surrounded myself with. The decision to ditch my authentic self, the person I was at the very core of my being to become accepted by the masses was one of the worst decisions of my life. The standard was ever-changing. I could never seem to measure up to the status quo. Seemingly, I was always a day late and a dollar short. Nothing ever happened the way I envisioned it in my head. Most days found me in the crowd, but not with the crowd. Loneliness was ever-present as I drowned in a sea of people.

For many years I tried to adapt to the norm, honestly gave it the old college try more times than I care to admit. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. Dimming my light in an effort to allow other’s light to shine was taking its toll on me. Continuing down that destructive path was catapulting me into a dark place. It affected the way I communicated with others and also how I felt about self. Shrinking and disappearing began happening more and more each day. My conversations changed. I took an intellectual hiatus. What I wore changed. As my clothes changed so did the freedom I once had. Where I was once free to wear what spoke to my heart, now I was forced to wear what was “in style” according to society. It was expensive and the pits. It costs a lot of money to keep up with the “in thing” of the moment. Misery moved in swiftly. Unhappiness covered me like a new skin. I had to escape. Breaking free was the only option. Returning to my authentic self before I lost myself completely was imperative. The journey back to me seemed a hard road, but it was absolutely, positively necessary. I had to find and reclaim the real me. My authentic self was somewhere out there hanging in the balance. I had to find her. I just had to.

I can’t lie to you, say that the journey back to me was a swift and smooth transition because it was anything but. There were many sad and sorrowful days, moments where I felt I would never find my true authentic self. Though I wanted to give up many times, failure was not an option. I had to find my way back. My very life depended on rediscovering and reclaiming my authentic self. One of the first things I did was silence the self-critical talk floating around in my head. You see, it all begins as thoughts which eventually becomes actions. If I could stop doubting and talking down to self, then I could begin the journey of reclaiming my true self, the person I was created to be. She was still in there somewhere amidst the chaos and confusion of what society and my environment lead me to believe about who I was supposed to be. Ever so often a small piece of me would appear in something I said, wrote or wore. I wasn’t completely gone. Each day I filtered something genuine to me, representative to who I was back into my day-to-day life. My wardrobe changed back to what others deemed colorful and busy. Heck, I liked colorful and busy. My life is not drab and boring. My truest self lives life out loud. She is not dressed down and hidden in the shadows. She’s more boom bam in your face. Large and in charge. Lol! My hair style and color changed often. No one ever knew how it would look from week to week. I liked that about me. My wig wall is outrageous. Lol! There are various cuts, styles and colored wigs that adorn it. I may be a redhead one week and have purple hair the next. Yep, I’m different and I love it!

I said all of the above to say this, be okay with who you are. You were never created to fit in a mold. And that’s okay. Be okay with your flaws and failures. If you are not what others are checking for that’s okay too. There is someone out there who will love you for you. That person is searching for you, but you have to return to your authentic self so you may be found. That person is not looking for the confused, carbon copy you. He or she is looking for the authentic you. Dare to be you. You are beautiful, brilliant and blessed just as you are. No one can beat you being you so be you. Your life matters. Love y’all for free sugas.